i'd short circuit if i wasn't short on time

i'd like to freak out now if i have the time. except i don't. it's gotten so bad that i dream of full-on hypothetical of property fact patterns in my head and solving them. i think i'm starting to go into my numb and auto-pilot mode. i've been intensely studying for the past 2 weeks and already feel burnt-out and ready to just fuck it. i can't imagine anyone studying like this for the past 2 MONTHS. i would've died and not care by now if i started doing that...

hope all this shit comes back when i sit down to do the exam... i fucking hate you CalBar.

fuck antibiotics

so after my little visit with dr. kong, she prescribed me antibiotics. It's called sulfameth/trimethoprim. I had major side-effects & allergic reaction to this antibiotic. I've never had problems with any drugs before. After i took it for the first time two nights ago, i woke up around 4am or so with chills and majr headache. actually when i went to bed that night, i already felt extremely tired and felt slightly congested as if i have a cold. but at that point, i didn't think it was antibiotics. when i woke up early in the morning with chills and major headache, i sort of figure it was the antibiotics. i went back to sleep and when i woke up again around 11:30am, my headache was semi-gone. so i took the antibiotic for the 2nd time. i took Kujo for a walk and became extremely tired. i went home and the headache came back. it was bad. the splitting kind of headache. i ended up sleeping from 2pm that day till this morning. i basically wasted my whole day being sick.

i told alvin about it and he said he's skeptical of doctors that prescribed antibiotics for patients. he said that's why he didn't prescribe me anything to begin with.

anyway, i decided that i'm not going to use this doctor anymore. i'll stick with her for my physical and for my pap smear. but then i'm finding another doc.

what a sucky day...

PCP

I finally picked up my lazy ass and found myself a primary care physician. It's
been at least 10 years since I last saw a doctor. It must've been 12 years since I last had a physical. Going through Barbri has really given my physical ailment a push to the surface. I was literally waking up each morning and finding something new that's wrong with my body.

1. skin allergy on my eyes - that wasn't too bad except it made me look gross. so i hate that.

2. lymph nodes swelling up and hurting like crazy for a week.

3. skin rash around the ankles (bunch of little red dots) and they itch.

4. lymph nodes swell up again for the 2nd time and this time it hurt even more. so much that i had to take painkillers every 4 hours. it made me feel like i was sick.

anyway, finally decide now was as good a time as any to go see a doctor. plus i'm 30. every says that when you turn 30, really got to start having regular check-up. didn't have much answers the first time around. b/c i didn't have any other symptoms of illness other than the painful lumps on my neck, have to run test to see. plus i had to do lab work for my physical anyway. so yesterday, i thought i was so smart and went to the lab immediately after my doc's appointment. when i got there though, the lab tech asked me if i fasted for 12 hours already. haha. so i had to go home.

went back to get the lab work done today. will call my doctor on monday to schedule a follow up. in the meantime, she gave me antibiotics. luckily the pain and swelling has been diminishing over the last two days (and not b/c of the antibiotics since i haven't started to take those yet).

well hopefully this is the start of a good relationship. not sure if i totally feel good about the doctor yet or if i like her. but will see. i will not slack off anymore about my body.

next up - finding a dentist!

Man-Pulling

without going into the very strange and uneasy details of my dream, i did want to jot down that while in my dreams, a new word came up :

man-pulling : the ability of a man to get a hard-on without any provocation or effort.

since in my dream, my older sister, who's married to a doc, was the one who told me about this term to describe a condition she saw, i figured (in my dream) that it must be a semi-medical term.

AND the way she said it seems to connote a negative medical condition or looked upon negatively by social standards (like a disease or something that's not normal).

48 hours per day

i thought it might've been hype when people use to talk about the difficulty of studying for the bar. i mean...we all went to law school. how difficult can it be? well i was so so wrong to under estimate the power of time! there simply isn't enough time in 1 day to study and go to lecture AND still have any life outside of that. but the problem is the life i have already exists and can't stop that... kujo still needs to be walked and to eat and i still have chores and a boyfriend. if only i have 48 hours in a day.

still going...and going...and going

it's been 5 days and still going. got 1 more section to read for WT - the charitable trust section and a couple other remaining ones. i haven't worked this hard on studying since 1L. questioning why i took classes with all these finals! must lost my mind during 2L. got to keep going...and going...and going.... don't know how long this will last. battery running out.

science of sleep

just watched science of sleep. the most interesting and entertaining part of the movie was not the topic itself (i think this topic is nothing new and had been explored before - the inability to separate dream from reality). it was the inanimate objects of the movie (that became animated). since i was watching it on dvd, i was able to check out the "special features" section which i always do on every dvd i watch (even sucky ones). there was an interview with the girl lauri. she was the one who created all these felt dolls, characters, and basically the animated production set of the movie. it was interesting and for some reason, when she talked about how she viewed her own work, that was ingrained in my head. it seem as though she is starting to realize that she has something to offer to the world. self-realization. maybe that's what intrigued me.

madness induces sweetness

when i get mad, he gets sweet. maybe i should get mad more often.

definition of a couple

her definition of a "couple"

• two person of the opposite sex sharing a house
• sleeping together in the same bed with their arms entwined or one cradling the other
  
• sharing a good night kiss every night
  
• wishing the other has sweet dreams
• fall asleep with a smile on the face knowing the other is near
• seeing the other's face first thing in the morning
• enjoying and savoring the presence of the other
• a sense of connection when eyes meet
  
• laughing together
• informing each other of plans and ideas that will affect each other
• keeping the other person in mind when making decisions big or small
• knowing the other person will be supportive in what you do
• knowing the other person will be honest and truthful in advice and opinions
• holding hands
• tender kisses
• passionate kisses
• constant communication
  

his definition of a "couple"

• two person of opposite sex living in the same house
• sleep in the same bed
• having sex
  
• eat dinner together
  
• sharing chore duty
• walk next to each other on the street
  
• pecking on the lips
• express feelings only when asked (and it depends on the question)
• thinking of things internally and keeping it that way
  

confidant = empress impetuous

i really should be studying now but instead am reading empress impetuous' blog. i was finding it extremely difficult to concentrate on wt with my head aching and stuffed. it's like someone stuffed a giant cottonball up my mouth and it filled out my head space completely. anyway, i was only able to scanned a few of them. i do appreciate the fact that empress trusted me enough to allow me access to her blog.

last night when she told me about her blog (after i mentioned that i just started one), i started to think - i feel more comfortable letting empress know about my blog page then i do about letting my far away bestest (if there is such a word) friend in the world read my thoughts. why? why? then i realize the reason why - it's about judgment. i know my bestest friend cares about me alot and loves me like family. but b/c of this, she'll get mad on my behalf. that in itself is fine. but then she'll want me to do things (or at least think i should do certain things) in respond to what i write that i either 1) cannot do OR 2) don't want to do OR 3) don't know what to do. i mean, what is a blog really for? it's for letting the thoughts that are all running through my head have somewhere to go. many things i write i either haven't figured out if they are significant or if they are simply meaningless jibberish. so how can i possibly act on anything? of course, there is the possibility too that i write things down but i don't have the courage to do anything further than write them down and either let it fade away or wait for some other actions beyond my control to dictate the result of that thought.

oops... i seem to have gone off topic (my stream of consciouness is messing up my organization haha). anyway, back to empress impetuous. i know that she will not judge me as i hope she knows that i will not judge her. i mean i have opinions. and i will express them if i believe they will help or if i believe the time is appropriate. but those opinions are not judgmental in anyway. i have alot of flaws as she does i'm sure (at least in her opinion)...but that is precisely why we can share these thoughts. knowing that we are flawed but we are doing the best we can. and knowing that sometimes my flaw is somebody else's perfection and vice versa. we are similar and yet different in so many ways. for all this, i'm glad that certain someone in law school got mad at me and another certain someone annoyed the hell out of me. oh - and of course for real estate. all these things come together to make this friendship work haha.

time to sign off b/c coffee shop closing. and my head is all stuffed up STILL....

loudness = deaf or rudeness?

i could never figure out if those who talk really loud in an enclosed public area are deaf or if they secretly want people to know all the intimate details of their personal lives? i'm sitting in nani's coffee and this girl opens her mouth and it's like she's holding an amplifier... i swear everyone in the coffeeshop got startled and looked up to see what that was..... i think that's just plain rudeness... b/c it's pretty obvious that everyone was staring at her and giving her the 'please lower your voice' look....

hot and frustrated

today is hot. it's been a while since i've felt this kind of heat. the kind where i can wear tank top and shorts at home and still sweat. the kind where i can blame my frustration and short temper on. or maybe it's just the excruciatingly slow process of comprehending intestate succession. and it wasn't even a difficult concept to grasp. don't know why it takes so long. even kujo is feeling the heat...lying around and not doing much. normally he has all these pent up energy but today, nothing. stretched out with his slender legs straight as a ruler.

this is my second attempt to give a go at blogging. it's difficult. to be honest and open in writing down thoughts for the world to see. as if anyone care or read. but the thought is in my head. what if they do? maybe they will know who i am. do i want to write down everything that runs through my head? do i want to expose myself? it's one thing to face yourself honestly in your own head. it's alot scarier to write them down and publish it somewhere. but i will try. i feel i need to. for myself.